Love and Romance

I was recently asked if I consider myself a romantic. Hrmmm. A romantic? What does that mean, really? Some flighty, emotional girl who's looking for a Prince Charming to come sweep her off her feet with grand gestures and a showering of flowers and gifts? Some romance novel reading middle-aged woman pining for her Noah as she presses PLAY to view "The Notebook" for the 152nd time? Um...no.

So to go beyond the preconceived stereotype, I turned to my friend, Merriam-Webster, to see how the adjective "romantic" is defined:

1: consisting of or resembling a romance
2: having no basis in fact : imaginary
3: impractical in conception or plan : visionary
4a : marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized
b often capitalized : of, relating to, or having the characteristics of romanticism
c : of or relating to music of the 19th century characterized by an emphasis on subjective emotional qualities and freedom of form; also : of or relating to a composer of this music
5a : having an inclination for romance : responsive to the appeal of what is idealized, heroic, or adventurous
b : marked by expressions of love or affection
c : conducive to or suitable for lovemaking
6: of, relating to, or constituting the part of the hero, especially in a light comedy

Well, yikes! That didn't make it any easier. Alright, now let's take a deeper look...

Most of the definitions in here just don't apply at all (although whether or not I am imaginary has actually been a topic of debate). Do I have an "inclination toward romance?" Or is my life "marked by expressions of love or affection?" This requires some thought.

An inclination toward romance? What IS romance? Candlelight and flowers? Sweet words? While a grand gesture may impress me, it's the small gestures and the little day to day things that win my heart. And sweet words are nice, but more important is the sincerity behind them and the feeling that they are meant for you and you alone. Everybody wants to feel like they are special to someone. Of course I'm the same.

What makes me feel special? When you actively listen to me. When you get to know ME. When I'm not treated as "an interchangeable blonde"--that pretty girl who fits a certain description and guys figure one is just as good as another. When you're interested in what I have to say and you offer your own thoughts and opinions. When you support me, inspire me, encourage me--those things are priceless. I don't need you to agree with me, but I do need you to not be offended, angry, or hurt when I don't agree with you. Someone once said, "There's nothing more erotic than good conversation." There's definitely some truth to that.

"Marked by expressions of love or affection?" If you know me, you know that I'm generally a pretty affectionate person. I think human contact is a wonderful thing. I've written here about the power of a simple hug. It's awesome. Now love . . .

Simply put, I believe in love. That all-encompassing, with your whole heart kind of love. That desire to actively share in the joys and trials of someone else's life. And I want that love to prevail over adversity. I want good to triumph over evil. I root for the underdog to get the win. I believe that miracles do happen in real life. I am also well aware that sometimes bad things happen to good people. And quite often, people don't get what they deserve. As for marriage and "happily ever after," I find that "'til death us do part" is rarely "'til death."

So, I guess it's fair to say that my romanticism is tempered by a healthy dose of realism. However, what I do have that might just tip the scales is an undying spark of hope and a steadfast faith that happiness is not only attainable, but a necessary condition. Yes, I possess unflagging optimism. I know it can be horribly annoying, but I will always be that glass half-full kind of girl.

But when I look at it all and mull through my thoughts on love and romance, it really just comes down to this: every now and then, there will be a song with lyrics like Zac Brown Band' s "Whatever It Is" that turn me into pure girl mush, and I think, "THAT. That is how I want someone to think about me."

Yeah . . . I'm a romantic.

Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve

Today is another anniversary of sorts in my life. The Sunday that we turn the clock back to end Daylight Savings Time marks the day that my now ex-husband stood me up for our first date. I remember it because when I got tired of waiting for him, my roommate and I decided to leave the house to go get donuts to eat while we sat and watched football on a sunny afternoon in Michigan. When we turned on the radio to tune in the football game on the way home and discovered that it wasn't playing, we realized that we had completely forgotten about the time change and hadn't set the clocks back. If he HAD come to the house, I wouldn't have been there. Oops! As it turns out, he had been called out of town on a job and sent a friend of his into the bar where I worked with his apologies later that week. Needless to say, we DID still manage to go out on a first date at some point thereafter and ended up married for 17 years. Despite the fact that the marriage ended some time ago, it remains a day that I always remember for that "botched" first date.

So, this morning in remembering the events of this day many, many years ago I decided my daily "November gratitude" status update on Facebook would be a reflection on that relationship. In my post I remarked that the 17-year marriage wasn't a bad run and we ended up with a pretty awesome kid out of it. I noted my gratitude that I still have an amicable relationship with my ex-husband and we can work together for our son's best interest. I know so many people who are not that fortunate, so this is something for which I am very thankful. Expressing those thoughts today seemed appropriate. This post was a departure for me, however, as I generally choose not to discuss my personal relationships in any kind of detail on Facebook. I also never post anything about my ex-husband.

When I decided to share this more personal than usual status update, doubt niggled in the back of my brain. Recently I received a message from a Facebook friend who doesn't know me very well suggesting that I "shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve on Facebook." I was amused at the time, because while I am quite free with sharing my thoughts and emotions, it's generally done in a vague matter and I don't really post any sort of details about personal relationships in my life, other than the one I have with my son. But I am a writer. I enjoy expressing myself and I record my reflections and feelings, whether I have an audience or not. I am open about my emotions, no doubt, and always willing to express my opinions, for better or worse.You can learn much about my views on life, relationships, and parenting, among other things, but the only details you'll get are those which I share to choose. Nonetheless that advice not to "wear my heart on my sleeve" stuck with me and I wondered today if perhaps I was going too far, sharing too much.

I have received my answer. More than 60 people "liked" or commented on my post and others sent me private messages praising me for sharing my story this morning or saying that my words inspired them. They have shared their own stories with me in turn and tell me that they have gained something from my perspective. People tell me that they feel like they "know me" when I allow them these glimpses into my world . . . into my brain. They feel "connected." I welcome that.

I truly like my friends, however I come by them. If you interact with me virtually, I enjoy meeting you in real life to continue the conversation and develop that relationship. We live in a world where technology allows us to communicate with each other instantly. Phone calls, texting and social media keep us connected even when face-to-face interaction isn't possible. With all of these options available, a free flow of honest communication shouldn't be hard to come by, but it seems rare enough that people are surprised by my candid nature. That saddens me. We should be using this media to strengthen our relationships or to connect with a wider range of people, not to replace "real" communication with superficial and meaningless noise.

If posts that delve into my emotions, openly express my thoughts, or offer a little insight into my life are considered "wearing my heart on my sleeve," then sew mine on tight because that's where I plan to keep it. I encourage others to do the same. It's amazing what wonderful relationships can develop when you aren't afraid to let people see who you really are.

A Day to Celebrate Mothers

Happy Mother's Day. No Eggs Benedict in bed or fresh flowers on the table here this morning because right now my son is with his father celebrating another mother in his life. My turn comes later today. And this, I've decided is okay.

Instead I enjoy a quiet morning of reflection on the nature of motherhood and all the amazing mothers and women that I know. Not only am I blessed to have my own mother still providing her steadfast love and support, there are some strong, smart, sassy women here who are like mothers to me and have let Declan and I enjoy being members of their extended family. I treasure them dearly for being here for me when my mother is so many miles away.

When I look around, I find myself surrounded by friends who are wonderful mothers, from those whose children have been Declan's friends for years to those whose experience I treasure because their children are now adults. I see former childhood friends and classmates who are now mothers sharing their children's accomplishments and celebrating those bonds. It's a joy. And my friends have some pretty incredible mothers too. I am constantly impressed by the women who have shaped these amazing people that I know.

Today is our day. We who have learned to put the happiness of others before our own, who kiss the boo-boos and want to right the wrongs, who love through the good and the bad, the terrific and the terrible. We who endure the tantrums and words that cut to the quick because we know they are the same children who can melt our hearts when their hand creeps unexpectedly into ours or they surprise us with a quick kiss for no reason at all. Nothing will ever be too much for us to take. There will never be too great a burden for us to shoulder for them. We love them unconditionally, every single moment of every single day. They are our world and we are happy to be their sun.

My life changed profoundly when I became a mother. I discovered my true purpose. I had no idea. It still amazes me that I have been given such a valuable gift with such an awesome responsibility. I spend every day trying to get it right and hoping that I'm not too far off the mark.

So, this afternoon I am going to hug my son tight and tell him how happy I am that I am his mom. We're going to go listen to some bands play at the park with friends that include some of those terrific mamas that I know. I'm going to surround him with love, music, laughter, and friends...because that, I think, is how to teach him what is truly important.

The best quote I've seen today: "There is no way to be a perfect mother, just a million ways to be a good one."

Now, my fellow mothers, go celebrate you!